For an incredibly long time, the duration of my life actually, I have loved to create. This love has lived in juxtaposition with a tenacious aspiration to perfection.
Even as I reread that last sentence I find myself paralysed, agonizing over the placement of each word. Does is run smoothly? Could I find a better word for aspiration? And my recording of what started out as a clear train of thought comes to a crashing halt, cabooses colliding forward in a jumbled accordion zigzag as the engine stutters and runs out of steam.
When drawing I would fuss over each line, it’s placement, it’s shape, it’s weight. I would spend hours mixing just the right colour for the one leaf on the one tree in the forest in front of me. Rolls of film never got past the contact sheet, I have probably deleted far more photographs off my DSLR than I have kept. Musical instruments neglected, propped in corners, passed by with nagging guilt because my dedication never rocketed me to superstardom.
Inevitably frustration would reign supreme and I would walk away from a project physically and emotionally exhausted. Nothing was ever good enough to finish, let alone polished enough to show another human being who posses functional eyes and ears.
All or nothing is a flawed method of creation. It leads to closets full of expensive art materials, unused and unloved. It is also an unrealistic and discouraging expectation when it comes to changing my impact on the environment.
‘I don’t think she’s as green as she thinks she is.’
An opinion stated behind my back years ago. One that I struggled to find a response to until today.
I have a goal to refine my art, to achieve a point where there is no longer hesitancy between my thoughts and their physical manifestation through my hands. I am not there yet, and I do not know if I ever will be, but I am done letting despair due to a seemingly infinite distance between today’s reality and the end vision stop me.
I have a goal to continually reduce the negative environmental impacts my choices cast around me. To eventually get to a place where the circumference of my footprint is restricted to my shoe size. I am definitely not there yet, and I do not know how I will manage it, but I am not going to let the enormity of the project dissuade me from walking with purpose.